Asexuality takes centre-stage in ‘It’s Not You, It’s Not Me.’ – and it’s about time
Asexuality exists – not that you’d know it from film and television. Yes, there was Todd Chavez on BoJack Horseman, but who else? How many canon asexual characters can you name? How many times have you seen an asexual character depicted in a romantic relationship with someone who isn’t asexual?
The answers to those questions are probably “not many” and “very rarely, if at all” – which makes It’s Not You, It’s Not Me. all the more essential and groundbreaking.
It’s Not You, It’s Not Me. stars Lee Shorten (The Man in the High Castle) as an asexual man and Jaymee Mak (Supergirl) as a sexual woman in a relationship, and explores their struggle to reconcile their seemingly divergent needs with their profound love for each other.
The locally produced short was directed by Peter Warkentin and written by Mak, who says that the film was inspired by a past relationship with a partner who didn’t realize he was on the asexual spectrum until well into their relationship.
“A lot of the dialogue that happens in the film happened between us over several different conversations, and I was struggling to cope with how the relationship ended up going,” says Mak. “I started going on the AVEN [Asexual Visibility and Education Network] site and doing research which is how I proposed the question to him, ‘Have you ever thought that you might be asexual?’”
According to AVEN, an asexual person is a person that doesn’t experience sexual attraction.
That straightforward definition leads to a lot of misconceptions, according to Justine Munich, an activist and academic who sits on the board of Asexual Outreach and consulted on It’s Not You, It’s Not Me. (Mak and Munich filmed a companion video to the short entitled ‘It’s Not You, It’s Not Me.’ Explained: How to Approach Sex with an Asexual Partner, which can be viewed here).
“The [misconception] that I struggled with most, and the one that I fight most right now, is the idea that asexuality makes you a less desirable partner, or there are only certain people that could ever date you,” says Munich. “A lot of people haven’t thought necessarily as much as they could about their relationship to sex and whether that is a deal breaker in a relationship or not, and it’s absolutely fine if it is. I just suspect that it isn’t for a lot of people who think it is.”
There’s also the misconception that “a relationship without sex is less valuable or less emotionally connected,” says Munich. “When I first found out that asexuality existed, I actually went through a really dark time. I felt unlovable, and I think that’s because I’d been coming at this as if it’s a problem and I needed to fix myself, and finding out about asexuality was the last nail in the coffin of the series of things I had tried where suddenly I’m being told, ‘No, you can’t fix this.’ And I forgot to realize that this isn’t actually a problem. It took me an extra year to figure that out.”
But a film like It’s Not You, It’s Not Me. brings those misconceptions to the forefront, and in doing so, it serves two ends: it educates audiences about the nuances of asexuality; and it helps asexual people feel seen, heard, and less alone.
“I spend a lot of time speaking about the importance of seeing yourself in media, and this is the first time that a lot of people have really seen themselves and their past relationships in such a raw manner, and it’s really starting a conversation that needed to happen,” says Munich.
Lee Shorten and Jaymee Mak in a still from It’s Not You, It’s Not Me. Photo by Angel Lynne
Mak has been deeply moved by the highly emotional comments posted by asexual people under the film on YouTube. “Hearing people say that they see themselves for the first time, or having friends and acquaintances from high school saying, ‘This film helped me process stuff that I’ve experienced or it’s helped me see myself on the spectrum where I didn’t see myself before’ was something I wasn’t expecting,” she says. “I knew that I had a responsibility as someone who is a filmmaker, who has the skills of a filmmaker, who had the lived experience of something that isn’t seen in media much to do something about it. There are a lot of stories that we want to see out there but those people aren’t empowered and so if I have the opportunity to do something like this, then I should, and I was lucky enough to have a great team to work on that with.”
That team included director Warkentin and actor (and Parabola filmmaker) Shorten.
“Any time you’re trying to make a project that is about a community that you’re not really a part of, I think you need to have a lot of consideration and give it a lot of thought,” says Warkentin. “I’ve never been through the emotional beats that [Shorten’s character] has gone through, and it was important for me to approach it from a place of maximum empathy for both characters.”
For his part, Shorten says he was initially hesitant to take on the role of the asexual boyfriend. “There is a question about authenticity: am I the best person to tell this story? Should we be looking for an ace actor, because they’ll have a more authentic connection? The flip side of that is, as an actor, you’re always looking for interesting roles, to push yourself and challenge yourself. There’s always that interesting conflict.”
But Shorten describes himself as a “big research guy”. He watched documentaries about asexuality. He spoke at length with Munich, as well as Mak’s ex-partner. “It’s a lot about empathy,” he says. “You step back and ask, ‘What are the universal, fundamental themes here? How can I relate to this guy on a similar level?’ I think we’ve all been in situations where we really love someone but we worry about whether we can give them everything they need, and it’s a bit about how do you balance that? How do you protect yourself, and stay to true to yourself, and also protect and care about this person that you love?”
“It’s a huge honour and a huge responsibility that I take really seriously to tell stories, and I think it’s really wonderful to tell stories about underrepresented communities,” adds Shorten. “It’s a testament to the power of film in terms of the ability for people to be able to see themselves on screen, and also as one of the best tools for empathy, for people to see an experience and understand communities and cultures that they’re not a part of, and I just hope that we can continue to do that.”
To learn more about asexuality, visit https://www.asexuality.org/
